To the Person PUNCTUM photography, Philipp Yorck Herzberg , is a Professor of psychology at the Helmut Schmidt University of Hamburg. He is specialized in personality psychology and Psychological diagnostics, and researched for years how couples argue.
MIRROR ONLINE: Mr. Herzberg, if you have a fight on Christmas?
Philipp Yorck Herzberg: Clear, as almost everyone is. Most of them have before Christmas again properly Stress that slopes over the holidays all of a sudden. This can encourage a fight. In addition, the year comes to an end. Many are inclined, again to be settled, including the Partner or the family sometimes. Also, I make mistakes, but I try to integrate my research results into my everyday life – and to argue better.
MIRROR ONLINE: How to do this?
Herzberg: If you stick to certain rules that may be in dispute in a constructive way. This includes respecting the other, to let him finish and try to be in his shoes. Absolute taboos in Arguing, violence, insults and mutual Yelling.
MIRROR ONLINE: you Can’t omit the dispute?
Herzberg: dispute in itself is not a Bad thing if it is constructive. My grandma was proud of the fact that she has never argued with my grandpa. At the time, it was regarded as a poster child for a happy marriage. From today’s point of view, I would say, ‘ Who will not argue in a relationship, not negotiated. In the long term, this can lead to the fact that the partners live apart and be unhappy.
MIRROR ONLINE: Which are armed types are there and how can I uncover them?
Herzberg: We have observed in pairs in front of three armed styles: The dominant-aggressive type who tries to enforce his will, not insults recoils and the trigger points of the partner’s aims, in order to provoke him. Then there is the Yielding, the wheel is turned quickly. In the short term, for the other is pleasant, but there is a residual Anger remains. This is jammed, it often leads to the violent dispute. Finally, there is the compromise-ready type who is looking for a common solution.
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MIRROR ONLINE: Which is in dispute style, provides the most likely for a good relationship?
Herzberg: willing to Compromise, partners in the long term, be happier in your relationship. You insult also not in dispute, search for a common solution, and apologize, if necessary. It does not matter how often you fight or how loudly, but the way in which. However, only a few pairs belong to this type. The good news is that Argue you can learn.
MIRROR ONLINE: How to do this?
Herzberg: , especially, should make the Partner aware of how you behave. Many couples are shocked when we show them pictures of your dispute. Them is often not clear, as fierce as they come together. In such situations, it may help to first get out of the Situation. But you should not go easily, which leads often to despair. Instead, you should explain that you need short-term, and with the other arrange to meet up when you get back to the conversation ready. To learn is not easy, but it’s worth it.
MIRROR ONLINE: Psychological counselors often recommend objective I-messages. A good strategy?
Herzberg: I-messages are highly traded, but not authentic. An example: ‘I have the feeling that you get your household duties.’ Who talks like that? Instead, you could say: ‘are You doing lately less in the budget than I am. Last week, I cleaned only the bathroom, vacuumed and the dishes done. I would like to change that.’ This makes the concern concrete. Generalisations like: ‘don’t You ever do what in the household’, usually nothing. Even better, We are-messages: ‘How can we divide up the budget better, to have more together time?’ This strengthens the cohesion of the relationship.
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MIRROR ONLINE: Which strategy is the best if you want to enforce?
Herzberg: I advise against this, to blackmail the other or trick. Even if I sit by myself in the short term, threatens the long-term retribution. It is much better if the Partner is on a voluntary basis. I advise, therefore, his motives to disclose and to ask specifically for a Favor. In most cases, the Partner will be happy, if he can do the other some Good.
MIRROR ONLINE: What is the recipe for a happy relationship?
Herzberg: partners are often happier, if you think about it, what’s in it for you together as a Couple the Best, and not one against the other to fight. In addition, you can be guided roughly along the so-called Gottman constant. Stating that couples are in the long-term happy, if on five common positive experience, a negative.