Christmas is the time, it means you may the family remember. But what if you want to have anything to do with his parents?
The author Charlotte Roche is aware of the Situation: “It was very, very painful to be separated from living parents,” said Roche at the end of November, in an Interview about the loss of Contact to her parents. This would not have been in their Childhood, good for you.
as a result, Roche spoke about a “taboo topic,” says the Hamburg-based family therapist Sandra Konrad. “A lot of people who have dropped out of contact with their parents, talk only reluctantly about it. To have a bad or no relationship to the parents is often filled with shame.”
But at Christmas one of those moments where you have to explain, perhaps, yet to come. If colleagues or neighbors want to know when it’s going on in the home, to the parents. Sandra Konrad, explains in this Interview why adult children cancel the contact to mother or father, how do you feel about it and how it acts as a therapist to help you.
To the Person Kirsten Nijhof Sandra Konrad , Born in 1975, is a psychologist and book author. She works as a single-, Couple – and family therapist in Hamburg. How strong the family influence us over generations, describes in her book, “The remains in the family – Of love, loyalty, and ancient burdens”.
MIRROR ONLINE: wife of Konrad, how is it that adult children break off all contact with your parents?
Sandra Konrad: conflicts there are in every family, and many of the back after a dispute, only one from the other. A complete loss of Contact is another Dimension. It is often the result of a deeper wound, for example, that children’s early and I haven’t seen, or loved felt. A dispute may then violence will be the straw that breaks the camel’s back, while the real Problem is quite different – for example, physical or mental.
MIRROR ONLINE: Is a contact termination in such cases, the right way?
Konrad: For some, it is for a long time or even forever the only way to continue to live. That is, in families where the parents are permanently non-toxic, for example, because they were violent or. To the parents of such families of the contact make you sick, in child – and adulthood. Then it is better to protect themselves and future generations, the children of their own, in front of these destructive parents. But no matter why people your parents again and talk to want to see: You can drag to the other end of the world, nevertheless, you will never make it to leave the family behind.
MIRROR ONLINE: How quickly someone falls, the decision to contact his parents to cancel?
Konrad: no one Oh Wake up in the morning and thinks: “I want to be my parents” This is a long, painful process that is always characterized by the hope that the parents are perhaps the you used. In addition to the contact drop-outs, there are also those that blindly adhere to your family, no matter how destructive it is. I’ve experienced that people who were abused by their parents miss, also bring their children to the grandparents – though the danger is that you will also be abused.
MIRROR ONLINE: How parents can take this risk seriously?
Konrad: you have not replaced and are on a pathological way, loyal. Loyalty is a very strong adhesive, even when children were abused by their own parents miss. Healthy detachment means that I am breaking my child more loyal to am than my parents, even if I hurt the parents, against me will, or familial laws. Anyone who has experienced the Childhood Bad, gets this one but often He stands to the parents, the longing for the ideal family never stops.
MIRROR ONLINE: How does it feel to be a final loss of Contact for the parents?
Konrad: they often feel powerless and in despair, and experience the pain of separation, may be emotionally and even physically hurt. Add to this the shame and guilt that are so unbearable that they are often blocked. As long as parents do not reflect on the conflicts with their children honestly, to the fact that the conflict can not be solved. The relationship is not solidified, there is the necessary further development.
MIRROR ONLINE: And how to do it which have led to the loss of Contact?
Konrad: For some, it is experienced as a kind of liberation. There’s a feeling of Power of a finally: “This is a decision I made alone, now no one will hurt me more.” A crash can be felt as a relief, he protects the Affected only once before further escalations. But really, the problems are not solved, they will be placed only on ice and eventually you catch up to us.
MIRROR ONLINE: what time is it?
Konrad: For example, if a parent is sick or dies. Then the one who broke off the contact has to decide: does he Want to talk, maybe, but before everything is over? At the latest, if you get your own children and the grandparents of the questions you need to ask the theme again.
MIRROR ONLINE: Someone looks at you and says that he has broken off contact to the parents – but so clear. How do you proceed?
Konrad: I see with my clients in their life and family history. Contact termination is often a TRANS-generational phenomenon, something that occurs in different generations. This means that in the family no healthy konfliktlöse strategies, pre-lives and could be developed. And I’ll put then: How can you are angry with each other and still stay in contact? How do you manage to formulate your needs? How to set healthy boundaries?
MIRROR ONLINE: Have you ever been in front of a client the sat, you would have got loved one, he should immediately delete the contact details of his parents?
Konrad: As a therapist I do not give advice. I ask: “What do you need, so that you are well? In order to feel safe?” I accompany clients on their way in the often sad past and hopefully a better future. I think it’s important that people feel the implications of their decisions, and understand and respect your family and your own life more opportunities for action develop.
MIRROR ONLINE: Is then also a search for the guilty party or parties?
Konrad: that’s not the point. Parents, are your responsibility, after all, were once children and were not possibly cared for properly. Perpetrators were often of self-sacrifice. It is not rare that parents are able to reflect on this at some point also. And when your son or daughter to apologize.
MIRROR ONLINE: How, exactly, one could formulate such an excuse?
Konrad: It is not about the individual words, but about taking responsibility and suffering inflicted on the child, to recognize. Who is ready for his past behavior and to modify, in a good way. And then step-by-step is probably the wish of every child to have parents that see their child, take it seriously and love it.